By: Spam314314
PROLOGUE
It happened in a flash. One second I was walking around, taking a nice relaxing hike, and the next, I was standing in a dark, dank cave. What the fuck? Was this just some weird dream? There was only one way to go, so I walked forward, hoping that was the case.
After a few minutes of walking, I saw a little stand, holding a few pamphlets. It was just barely bright enough in the cave to read if I concentrated really hard In big bold letters, a sign above said, “The Dungeon and You! Start Here.” None of the leaflets were huge, so once I took the top left one.
It was the longest and explained where I was. Long story short, Earth got taken over by aliens who built a giant dungeon on Mars and transported a significant amount of the human population there to fight through for the entertainment of watchers all over the galaxy. I’d always been a ‘fuck it, we ball’ kinda guy so I just kept reading. Apparently, there were big prizes for completing the dungeon. One of which was not dying, so that seemed nice. Everything was controlled by a central AI. It was in charge of populating the dungeon, dropping our loot. If you could picture it, it probably controlled it.
It also explained the basics of how to traverse. How to check your inventory, your status, experience, skills, anything you could imagine. Testing, I tried to put the booklet in my inventory. And succeeded! I took it back out and it simply appeared in my hands. Neat! It explained each stat, but one thing that caught my eye was the health and mana regen parts. Apparently we would only regenerate a little over 2% of our health (HP) and mana (MP) each hour. In total, it would amount to 50% regen per day. That seemed…low.
I moved onto the next pamphlet. A Beginner’s Guide to Items and Equipment. Seemed important. It was just a short page, so I read the blurb.
Let’s talk about items. Some important things you should know.
· Consumables are rare. Most successful adventuring parties that don’t have a way to craft them mostly only use them in boss fights. It’s almost always better to avoid fighting and try to use your time in some other productive way. HP and MP regenerate really slow, so you’ll really want some equipment that gives you free actions. Physical combat is usually the preferred way to do this, but it’s not the only one.
· Speaking of equipment, that’s going to be the 2nd biggest thing that defines you outside of your class. Equipment generally gets special properties if used by specific classes though, so it’s just one more reason to find and make a diverse party.
· Remember that your inventory is limitless. There’s no reason not to be a hoarder, but it’s probably best to use plenty of folders to keep things organized!
Interesting. I read through more of the pamphlets, which explained monster types, skill types, a whole bunch of stuff like that. After the 5th or 6th, I was already starting to forget what I read, so I just grabbed one of each and put them in my inventory in a folder I named ‘pamphlets’.
It didn’t take much more travel until I saw a bright-ass light that made me squint. but right in front of me was a huge counter tucked into a corner with giant, gaudy blue neon lights that said: Start Here! They made me squint as I got closer because of how fuckin’ bright they were.
“Hey! Over here!”
A young blonde woman behind the counter started waving her hands like they were going to fall off. I’m not sure why, her stand was literally the only thing in this giant empty space. But I figured I could use a little bit of friendliness right now, so I returned her smile and headed that way. As I got closer to the counter, I noticed a ferret playing in a little open cage in the background. I also noticed what she was wearing. A very low-cut mint-green top that put her big breasts on nearly full display. A short black miniskirt that seemed prone to flashing people complemented it. When I was standing right across from her, the young lady’s eyes were almost unnaturally wide.
“Hello,” I said, calmly and politely.
“HI!~!!!”
She seemed beyond excited. Even the most annoying ‘smile for the customer’ kinda boss would have been off put at just how thick she was laying it on.
“My name’s Amber! Welcome to my tutorial guild. I’m here to help you get started in your time in the dungeon. Believe it or not, I was a competitor here once, just like you. I made it out, and now I try to help other adventurers such as yourself! Now, I want to take a few seconds to give you the rundown of what we need to do. Let me just look down at my checklist here…”
“First things first. Each person gets their own unique piece of equipment. This can’t be stolen or raided, and it will apply its effects immediately once analyzed. It’s usually pretty strong though, with lots of scaling potential as you level up. I’d recommend looking at it first and then picking your class after.”
She held out her hands, and a fancy box just popped into it. It was made of something sturdy, then covered by a thin layer of fine leather laced with golden accents.
“Oooh. They don’t usually make these this fancy. You’ve got something good inside~! Take it!”
I did, holding the box in my hands. It was incredibly sturdy, though it was so ornate that I was almost scared to mess with it. I really shouldn’t have been though, I probably could have kept it and used it as a weapon. But I gently pried it open. Inside sat an ornate golden necklace with a shining ruby in the center.
“Wow. Looks fancy.”
Amber glanced at it, reading it over quickly. She put a hand to her mouth, apparently trying to cover a smile. Was something amusing? Or was this a great item? I recalled the early instructions about viewing items and tried it out. A box appeared in my vision, giving me the name and description of the medallion.
Human Seat Cushion.
Congratulations! A deep topographical analysis of your body has confirmed that it is the most comfortable face in the dungeon. Any woman sitting on your face will receive the ‘rested’ status, which heals 4% of their max health and mana per minute. Your type and subtype have been changed from ‘human-man’ to ‘object-chair’. Find a dangerous party who just needs some sustain, and you’ll be the chairy on top!
I had to reread it multiple times. Seat cushion? Health and mana regeneration? A horrible pun? I looked up to Amber, who, though still trying to stifle her laughter, seemed genuinely pleased. Meanwhile, all I felt was disappointment.
“I’m going to be honest. I have no idea what to think.”
Amber seemed to think on it and understood my concern. But she leaned over the table, and I tried very hard not to stare into the abyss of her cleavage, while she explained things to me.
“Okay. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, if you were planning on being the hero who mows through mobs and kills everything…”
She took a second, acting out a hero in an action movie. She rolled and pointed her finger-guns at something, pretending to shoot something. She even made her own sound effects. Her blue eyes turned back to me.
“You need to abandon that idea. Buuuut. The AI makes sure people of all types have something they want to watch, even if they’re a little kinky.”
I started to put together the pieces. So the AI, for some reason, had decided my role in the dungeon was to get sat on, for other people to watch. I thought back to the pamphlet I’d read near the beginning of the dungeon.
“Didn’t the computer say we only heal 50% of our max health and mana every day? 4% a minute seems like a lot.”
Amber smiled now, genuinely seeming proud of me noticing. She jumped up and down in excitement, which was…distracting
“Yes! That’s the good news! This is one of the best support items I’ve ever seen someone start with. This is endgame levels of regeneration, and it’s only going to get better.”
I considered. I was still a little incensed at this though. If I wanted to go down any other route than this one, I was putting myself at a big disadvantage by not having a personal item. Amber, sensing my unhappiness, leaned in and put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly.
“And it says I’m not a man? What’s that about?”
“Oh, that? You’re still a man, it’s just that you’re going to want to find a party that’s full of women, and a lot of the time those parties get a bonus if they don’t have any men. That’s all.”
I sighed. The whole idea was still emasculating. My role in the dungeon was to find a few strong women and let them sit on my face to support them.
The dungeon jingled convenience-shop style as a young woman with red hair and green eyes walked into view. Which was odd, because there wasn’t a door in sight. Amber gave her the same ecstatic wave and huge smile she gave me. She turned around, searching for a while before she found the ferret, happily scurrying in a little wheel.
“Don, you think you can give him some tips while I help this one?”
The ferret looked up, then scampered out of the cage and onto the shelves that were behind Amber. It deftly moved from shelf to shelf, making its way to the side of the room, and then to the counter in front of me.
“Hey kid.”
I jumped. The voice was raspy and quick, like a mobster who’d gone too hard on the cigarettes. Thinking I was out of my fucking mind. I looked around, making sure I wasn’t getting pranked.
“You can talk!?”
“Yeah. Wanna fight about it? You betta get used to seein’ weird shit in da dungeon kid, or you ain’t gonna last long. There’s a good lesson here. Hunters always need a starter pet and so here I am. Alotta shapeshifters are only willing to be a fierce lion, or a giant wolf. But me? I’m happy being da humble ferret. Honestly, it’s a great gig. Do some basic combat for a few days, then either get replaced wit’ somethin’ better or get an extended vacation if something offs my crawler. Don’t matta to me, I get paid no matta what. “
He deftly scampered up the sleeve of my coat so that his little mouth was right next to my ear. I had to stifle laughter as his tiny whiskers tickled my ears.
“Anyway. Let me give ya a piece of advice. Ain’t nobody gonna be listenin’ to what a little ferret’s gotta say at da beginnin’ of da game, so ‘dis is just between us. In fact, it’s why Amber asked me to help ya. Because I can tell ya da stuff she can’t. I’ve been mucking these dungeons for centuries kid. You might not believe ‘dis, but you hit the jackpot having Amber as your guide. She might look a little airheaded, but that’s just the act she likes to put on. Listen to what she has to say and you’ll give yourself da best chance you got.”
I tried to think of a way to acknowledge what he said without leaking anything. The last thing I needed was to get another entity in trouble.
“She gives good vibes for sure.”
“You gotta learn to play da game kid. She’s gonna do her damndest to come across as ditzy. If you can do a good job of readin’ between da lines, you can get through ‘dis.”
“Well. What do you think about my…item situation?”
He sat on my shoulder for a second but seemed to make up his mind pretty quickly.
“Me? I tink you’re pretty damn lucky kid! Da people who lean into these kinds of items and do what da dungeon wants tend to get showered wit’ rewards. Other people? Fighting to survive and having to earn every inch. You? Da AI will take real good care of you if you sell. And porn sells kid. I’d never bet against it. If it was me, I’d find da biggest party of sexy women I could and let da good stuff pile up. Everyone’s gonna suffer in the dungeon kid. If you find an advantage, you gotta run wit’ it.”
I considered the ferret’s words. Then I nodded. Better to live and be embarrassed than die with dignity. The little guy jerked his head over to the new adventurer. From the bits and pieces of their conversation I’d overheard, I gathered that her name was Erin. As I watched, her t-shirt and jeans transformed into a green, low-cut tunic and a tight green mini skirt.
“Amber musta swayed her into a class that synergizes wit’ your item and convince her dat you two should start a party. When it’s your turn to pick, I’d go wit’ a nice supportive class. The AI will see that as you accepting what it wants you to do, and it’ll like ‘dat a lot. Don’t let anyone tell ya it don’t pick favorites kid. Remember, you’re puttin’ on a show. It’s better to be entertainin’ than headstrong.”
I nodded.
“Do you think I’ll be able to build a good party?”
“Absolutely.”
Zero hesitation.
“Da AI has given you a clear directive. If you wanna get outta dis, I’d get my face in your soon-to-be partner’s ass on camera ASAP. I bet da AI will send you to a ‘No men allowed’ zone. It’s why your item has dat clause. From dere, you’re in da porn section. I wouldn’t call it smooth sailing, but it’ll be better than most of the schmucks in here. There will be more strong women than you can shake a stick at.”
I took a deep breath.
“So, any class suggestions for me?”
He nodded.
“I got a few ideas, but let’s look at ya list. I wouldn’t be surprised if dey gave you some special classes.”
From there, the ferret directed me on where to look for classes in my menu. There were a nearly endless list. It’d take me years to scroll through all this. Sensing how overwhelmed I was, Don chimed in again.
“Uh…Don. Can you help?”
“Don’t worry about it kid. Dis is what I’m here for.”
Then he directed me to a tab for special classes, explaining that most people don’t get a choice, but the AI seemed to already be favoring me. As it turned out, there was in fact a class there.
Shapeshifter:
Members of this class can unlock the ability to transform into different subtypes corresponding to their type.
The description was shorter than nearly all of the classes I’d glanced through before. Short and to the point, but then I remembered something.
“My type got changed from ‘human’ to ‘object’. Don, is this going where I think it’s going?”
The ferret nodded.
“Hey! Dat’s my class! I never seen it used for anything dat wasn’t an animal of some kind, but you should take it kid. Da deeper ya go, da more options you’re gonna want. Especially as a support. Ready to lock it in or do ya want to spend da next 5 hours going over classes?”
I thought about it for a second, then nodded. At least it saved me from having to read. I got to stay in my casual clothing. It was less elegant than I thought. It took about another 30 minutes for Amber to finish her orientation and I unabashedly eavesdropped. Erin didn’t get a special class, but was swayed into picking an elvish ranger. Apparently her personal item gave her more damage the farther away she was from the target. Amber explained to us both that she’d be the damage-dealer of the party, and that we should be on the lookout for someone to tank damage for sure. After that, we could be a little less picky about what we added.
“I’d max out at 6 people. A lot of parties get pretty big, but that’s because they’re constrained on resources. Since experience is shared between the party, a smaller group will level up faster. Plus, there’s a lot of achievements for taking things on with a small party. That’s usually a pretty big risk-reward, but for you guys, it won’t be a big risk.”
The new girl, Erin, looked at me. She had eyes that looked like emeralds, shining oddly in the dim light of the cave. She was tall for a woman, about my height, though her legs were a little longer with a shorter torso. Her boobs weren’t huge, but they were noticeable in her top. From below, there were two thick legs, and nothing about her body gave me reason to believe her ass didn’t match. She had a light Irish accent. So light, that unlike Don, it doesn’t make sense to try to type it that way. You simply have to imagine it.
“And Amber told me about you. You’re the guy with the comfy face that I’ll be sitting on a lot. What was your name?”
“I, uh…, my name is –“
“Dungeon’s opening!”
Amber cut us both off, but the sudden screeching of rock sliding against rock would have made it impossible for us to keep our conversation going anyway. The cave opened into a slightly brighter area. The walls stretched up as high as I could see, so I couldn’t tell if it was still a cave, or if it was supposed to be outside. Rats scurried around. I scowled.
“Don’t worry, they aren’t real rats. There just holograms.”
That was good news.
“So they won’t kill us then?”
Amber beamed.
“Oh, they’ll still kill you. They’d tear you to shreds, pack your body in a box, and then pay for expedited shipping to get that box to your loved ones as fast as possible. They’re nasty little creatures. But you’d really have to let them. Anyway, this is just a testing ground that’ll be open for a few hours before the dungeon really opens. Any HP you use or mana you use testing abilities will be refunded when the dungeon proper starts, but you won’t gain any EXP. I’d head on in and get a feeling for what it’ll be like. Test out your abilities.”
Erin paused, then jerked her thumb at me.
“Let’s go chairface.”
And as if she hadn’t just dropped an incredibly demeaning nickname, she waltzed off. I paused, offended, but sighed and scrambled behind her. She took the bow off her back and considered the scurrying rats. Her gaze focused as she picked one. It was over in the corner munching on something. She nocked an arrow.
“You know how to use that?”
She shrugged, then pulled the arrow back, taking aim at a rat that was munching on something.
“I didn’t before, but this just feels natural.”
She released it. The arrow whirred through the air and struck true. It pierced through the rat, and it disappeared into a puff of smoke, leaving nothing behind. We both kinda stared at the scene in amazement. This dungeon was crazy. She looked back at me, green eyes twinkling as her curly red hair bounced.
“Okay. I’m going to try my fire arrow attack now. Then we’ll put your abilities to the test.”
She prepped again, aiming at another rat that was a little closer. She didn’t outwardly say or do anything, but the tip of her arrow suddenly streamed with a hot, crimson flame. While she seemed calm and certain, I was getting increasingly anxious. Was I really about to let this woman I’d just mmet sit on my face? For apparently trillions of people to see? But the time for objections was long over. Between my abilities and the class I picked, it’s not like I was getting through this alone.
She concentrated for a second, then shot again. The blow left a charred, rat-shaped outline on the wall, but nothing else. I examined her again. The blue bar that had been full earlier was now a little emptied with a ‘90/100’ to the side. She had definitely used mana. And now she wanted to see about refilling it.
“Alright. Now it’s your turn to contribute.”
She looked around, then pointed.
“I guess we should just do it right here. Lay down.”
I was surprised at how at ease she was with the situation. Like commanding me to lay down for her was natural. I’d figured she’d be about as nervous as me, but the idea of sitting on me didn’t seem to faze her. Deciding I wasn’t going to get less anxious about this, I slipped my jacket off and laid down, placing it under my head so that she wouldn’t squish me into the hard ground.
There was zero hesitation on Erin’s part. She took a few steps over me so that her legs were on either side of my head. I looked up to see her crimson red panties flash me from under her green skirt. Was now a weird time to notice the dungeon had fixed my color blindness?
She started to squat, and I only got more nervous as her ass started to loom closer. Apparently, that only made one of us though, because Erin didn’t have much trouble getting to within a few inches of my face. Her clothes clung to her body, leaving me staring at the tight outline of her butt trying to fight against it.
In a quick motion, she lifted her skirt up, wiggled and sat down completely, burying me under her weight. Her musky odor washed over me, and her warm cheeks wrapped around my face like it’d be dangerous if any of my skin was exposed to the outside world.
“Wow! Your item was right.”
“Mmmphh?”
I tried to speak, but her crotch was pressed too heavily into my mouth. She shifted slightly to free it but kept her butt where it was.
“You’re restoring your mana?”
She eased back down, covering my mouth with her warm body again and forcing me to breathe through my nose.
“Well. I guess, but the part about your face being comfy. I thought this would be, like, super weird, but I could sit here for hours.”
“pppllmms dddmpht.”
It was the best ‘please don’t’ I could muster. Erin laughed and stayed seated. It was crazy how quickly she’d gotten gotten used to this. I could barely breathe with her big cheeks fighting against my nose, but there was just enough air for me. As I lay there, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was also the AI’s doing. Pick a girl who wouldn’t mind doing what it wanted done.
Though my vision was completely black, since, y’know, a full-grown woman had her entire weight concentrated on my face, I still saw a red notification pop up about two minutes later. I ‘clicked’ it and read through.
MP Sustainer Novice:
You healed 10 MP for another party member! MP regeneration skills are few and far between, so don’t short-change yourself. Most parties would kill to have someone like you. Keep it up little buddy, I’m proud of you.
Reward: Helm of Cushioning.
A few moments later, Erin stood up, now with a ‘100/100’ next to her MP bar. Her smile dazzled me as she got ready to run back. She stored her weapon on her body and put everything else in her inventory. Another red notification hit me, so I clicked on that one too. There were messages from Amber and Don.
Hey, kid.
Good work out dere. I could tell ya didn’t like it, but dat’s probably why the AI picked ya.
Why did he text in his accent?
Keep up wit’ what ya doin’. Most of da adventurers are here for da drama. To see if they’ll make it out or not. Remember that you’re here for da entertainment of a specific set of people and dat da AI wants you to live as long as your complying. It’s a lucky break kid. Suck it up and deal and it’ll be more dan worth it.
-Don
I moved to the second message.
Hiiiii!
Two more girls came in while you were gone. I told them about you and Erin and explained that you should probably make a party of four. That’s the smallest reasonable size for going deep, and I’d still try to find another member or two. Anyway, I won’t spoil anything about them. You should come back here to meet them and then get to grinding!
-Amber.
Having had more than my share of killing rats at a staggering zero, I walked back.